Closed Doors
by Leareth
Summary: Sequel to 'A Gentlemanly Conversation', Tatsumi has been avoiding Tsuzuki like the plague and as a result everyone is upset.
1. Part One

Closed Doors **  
By Leareth**

Part One   
Tatsumi was giving that look again, Hisoka noted. He wasn't being obvious, but considering the friendly and cheery atmosphere at the moment, the secretary's silence stood out like a transformed Terazuma at a party.

It was lunch break for the Shokan Division, and so everyone had crowded into the temporary hospital to visit Tsuzuki. Hisoka, as usual, sat in the chair by Tsuzuki's side, not saying much save for what his characteristic moodiness allowed, while Watari was happily telling Tsuzuki about his latest experiment, a description illustrated as best as he could with hands and 003. At the end of the bed Wakaba ignored Terazuma's off-side glowering and was cutting up a cake for the group saving the largest piece for the patient. Saya and Yuma were fighting over who got to feed Tsuzuki much to Hisoka's relief. Spoiling the still hospital-confined shinigami had driven any ideas of dressing Hisoka up to look like a wedding cake out of their heads, for the moment anyway. Even the Gushoushin brothers were here, taking advantage of the invalid Tsuzuki to lecture him on the problems of destructive behaviour. Tsuzuki took it all in stride. He was much more interested in the cake Wakaba was holding.

Hisoka drifted out of the flow of chatter around the bed and risked another look at Tatsumi. The tall shinigami stood right next to the door, lurking. There was no other way to describe it. He had his arms folded across his chest and was leaning against the doorframe staring at Tsuzuki. The look he was giving was disconcerting. It wasn't the 'Tsuzuki-san, you've put our budget in the red _again_' look, it wasn't the 'Tsuzuki-san, eat properly, you're making a mess' look, it wasn't the 'Tsuzuki-san, you're so cute to tease' look, it wasn't even the soft, gentle smile Hisoka had caught Tatsumi giving Tsuzuki when he thought no one was looking. Hisoka had never seen this expression on the secretary's face before. It was unreadable for most part except for those piercing blue eyes. They were cloudy behind their glasses, almost haunted. Yet still they fixed on Tsuzuki with the intensity of a sun to the exclusion of everyone else in the room.

__

"My relationship with Tsuzuki-san . . . does it bother you?"

Cake was offered; Hisoka absently took the plate. Well of _course_ their relationship bothered him! Not jealousy, far from it, he cared too much for his friends to be troubled by something so petty, it was the fact that whatever lay between the two from all those decades ago was still there like a pebble in a shoe, and just as painful. Oh, things had improved since that incident with the Earl's storybook, yes, but it seemed to Hisoka more of a step in the right direction than anything conclusive. Then there had been that mess in Kyoto, and Tsuzuki's nightmares afterwards. They hadn't helped at all. And _then_ Tatsumi had taken that strange business trip he seemed to hate talking about . . .

Actually, now that Hisoka thought about it while eating cake, Tatsumi's strange behaviour dated from when he had returned from that trip.

Tsuzuki laughed at something Yuma said, and Hisoka noticed that Tatsumi seemed to smile a little. But he still refused to come any closer. In fact, he had been outright avoiding Tsuzuki as of late. Still loath to leave Tsuzuki alone at night, Hisoka and Watari had been taking shifts to watch over their friend. Only him and Watari. Hisoka had thought that Tatsumi would be more than willing to help but when they had informed the secretary of the idea, Tatsumi had flatly refused and gave no reason why. Hisoka had been too stunned to argue; Watari on the other hand couldn't believe his ears, and watching the blond scientist get that angry had been something of a privilege. But Tatsumi had been impossible to move, and so therefore Hisoka and Watari had to share watch between themselves. They had been doing so for over a week, and Hisoka for his part was finding the lack of sleep very exhausting. 

However, though Tatsumi would have nothing to do with watching over Tsuzuki he still came to visit, but only at lunch break when everyone else came as well. As far as Hisoka knew, the secretary hadn't paid Tsuzuki a single personal visit at all since that business trip more than a week ago, and Tsuzuki was starting to worry. The secretary always seemed to have some excuse not to go. Hisoka had always known that Tatsumi was something of a workaholic, but really . . . things were going a bit far. It was beginning to irritate him, because he _knew_ there was some other reason that Tatsumi was going out of his way to avoid Tsuzuki, and he couldn't for the life of him figure out what it was. There was no way Hisoka was going to ask, though. Tatsumi wasn't exactly the easiest of people to talk to, and that was an understatement.

"There's still cake left over, who hasn't had some?" asked Wakaba. Six shinigami and two Gushoushin waved cake-laden forks at her. She beamed, then realised there was someone else.

"Tatsumi-san, come and have some cake!"

Hisoka watched Tatsumi carefully. The tall shinigami seemed to start at being addressed, as if only just realising that there were other people in the room, but he regained control so quickly Hisoka doubted anyone apart from him noticed. "Ah, no thank you, Wakaba-san. I'm not hungry."

Saya and Yuma blinked, then pouted. "What do you mean, 'not hungry'?" Saya demanded. "How can you not want _cake_? Especially chocolate cake!"

"Yeah, Tatsumi!" Watari waved his fork around as if he were baiting some bird to come get it. "It's chocolate cake! Wakaba-chan's chocolate cake at that!"

Tatsumi smiled and shook his head. Hisoka wondered if anyone considered that the shinigami was shaking his head because it was a convenient way to avoid eye contact.

"Tatsumi."

Hisoka watched Tatsumi stiffen. He didn't know if Tsuzuki noticed.

"The cake's delicious, Tatsumi!" said Tsuzuki cheerfully. His face was covered in chocolate and he was smiling as if it was Christmas. "You've got to try it! Look, I made everyone save a big piece for you."

Hisoka waited, expecting Tatsumi to say something about bad table manners and come over to wipe Tsuzuki's face clean.

Tatsumi adjusted his glasses, avoiding everyone's gaze. "No thank you, Tsuzuki-san. I'm not hungry."

Accepting cake would mean going over towards the bed where Tsuzuki was.

"Aw, come on, Tatsumi. Please?"

Something flickered in Tatsumi's eyes before he turned away. Hisoka's green eyes widened as his empathic abilities sensed a very strange reading from the shinigami, like a sudden cold wind in the night . . .

"I said, I'm not hungry," replied Tatsumi a little sharply. For a second his eyes fixed on Hisoka, and the boy-shinigami turned red as he realised that his observations had been discovered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." Abruptly, he turned on his heel and quickly left the room.

Seven shinigami and three birds stared after him.

"Well, really!" said Saya indignantly.

"Poor Tatsumi works too hard," commented Yuma.

"Probably had some accounts to slash," Terazuma growled, more interested in eating the food that Wakaba was giving him.

"Not our library funding!" wailed the Gushoushin.

Hisoka kept silent, trying to place what it was he had sensed from the shadow-master. Not annoyance, not worry, but . . . fear?

The empath blinked. Twice. Fear was one of the last things he expected from Tatsumi. Certainly not fear of Tsuzuki. Actually, no, Tatsumi wasn't afraid of Tsuzuki exactly, but the amethyst-eyed shinigami was a major part of what was wrong with Tatsumi for sure.

He glanced at his partner. Tsuzuki's usual smile was gone and the rest of the cake lay forgotten on his lap. His eyes were hurt as he stared at the door.

On the other side of the bed, Watari followed Tsuzuki's unhappy gaze to the door through which Tatsumi had left. The scientist's face darkened, and he shot a glare in Tatsumi's general direction.

"What the hell is the matter with him?" he muttered.

Behold, the Void @ http://doki3.net/void/


	2. Part Two

Closed Doors **   
By Leareth**

Part Two   
Watari was short on sleep and in a very bad mood. That combination was probably the reason why he was storming towards Konoe's office where Tatsumi worked to let off some steam. Most intelligent people stayed away from the secretary, and Watari did like to think of himself as a very intelligent person.

Then again, intelligent people could also be suicidal.

The door was closed and locked, an unsubtle hint that the person inside didn't want to be disturbed. Watari paid it no attention and rapped crisply on the wooden surface. Then he folded his arms and tapped his fingers, waiting for the expected response.

"Who's there?"

Watari took a deep breath. "It's me, Tatsumi. Open the door."

"I'm busy, Watari-san," came the not-surprising reply. "Come back later."

"Not happening." Tatsumi couldn't see, but Watari's face was hard. "Open the door."

There was an exasperated noise from the other side of the door. "Whatever you want to see me about, Watari-san, I'm sure it can wait."

"No, it can't." Watari glared daggers at the unoffending wood. "Open the door or you're going to have to buy a new one."

"Hardly. I'll just deduct the replacement cost from your salary."

Watari silently kicked himself for forgetting that there wasn't any point financially threatening the department accountant. "You'd still have to live with the draft and you won't have any privacy until you get the new door installed," he retorted aloud. "Look, I'm coming in whether you like it or not, so you'd might as well be nice about it."

Silence from the other side of the door. Then there was some angry mutterings that made Watari begin to fear for his health, however he stood resolutely in his place as the door was half-opened to reveal a most annoyed Tatsumi. "It's eight-thirty in the morning. The workday doesn't begin until nine. You, by habit, don't get to the office until at least quarter past. What in Enma's name are you doing here?"

Watari glared. "I've had to stay at the hospital to watch over Tsuzuki from three a.m. onwards every single night for the past week, in case you didn't know. Oh, whoops." He waved a dismissing hand at Tatsumi dramatically. "You wouldn't know, cause you don't care."

He had the pleasure of seeing the secretary twitch. "What do you want," asked Tatsumi coldly.

"I need to talk to you," the scientist replied.

"About?"

"Tsuzuki."

Without warning the door was slammed shut, or as close to shut as it could get with Watari's fingers in the doorjamb. The blond shinigami gave a yell of pain, frantically flapping his injured hand about in the air until it healed, but at least Tatsumi hadn't been able to lock the door. Instead, he opened it again and watched Watari's antics with a satisfied smirk.

"You asked for it."

Watari gritted his teeth. "Sadistic psycho. You like hurting me, don't you."

He had only half-meant it, and so he was rather surprised when Tatsumi froze in the doorway and stared at him almost in shock. For a moment Watari had the wild hope that he could get some sympathy out of the control-freak shinigami, but it was gone quickly as he realised that Tatsumi was about to shut the door on him again.

"H-hey, wait up a sec!" This time Watari managed to get his booted foot in the door, which meant he could also insert a shoulder and really prevent Tatsumi from locking him out. "Just lemme in, will ya?! I need to talk to you!"

"I. Am. Busy," Tatsumi bit out, struggling to shut the door with little success.

Watari managed to pry the door open a little more to look Tatsumi in the eye. "Too busy to talk about Tsuzuki? You've got to be kidding me."

Tatsumi glared at him. Then he let the door go. Caught by surprise, Watari fell through the entrance to painfully greet the office floor with his face. Tatsumi strode back to his desk and paid Watari's current state as much attention as he would a fly. "Whatever you want to say, make it quick," he said curtly, shuffling with various papers.

Watari picked himself up and put his glasses back on properly. The door behind him was still open; Tatsumi had probably left it that way so that he had the option of kicking him out if the conversation got too uncomfortable. Which it most definitely would. Watari was determined that Tatsumi would hear all of it, so he closed the door and locked it. Tatsumi raised an eyebrow at the action, but otherwise said nothing and merely went back to organising papers, ignoring Watari as the scientist stood in front of the desk trying to figure out how to begin. It wasn't easy.

"Tsuzuki's worried about you," he said finally.

Sound of papers rustling. "Is that so?" asked Tatsumi neutrally.

"Yes."

"And why is that?"

"Oh, jeez, could it have something to do with the fact that you've been avoiding him for over a week? Nah, can't be," Watari retorted, dripping sarcasm like a melting icicle.

"What are you talking about? I visited him just yesterday."

The blond shinigami gave the other a glare of barely restrained patience. "And you spent the entire time lurking by the door without saying anything so you'd might as well not be there at all. Same with the day before that, and day before that. And the day before that, and the day before that one too." 

"I've been busy."

"Too busy to visit Tsuzuki for just five minutes to show you care? He's starting to think you don't anymore, you know." Tatsumi's hands seemed to freeze for a split second. Watari looked at him carefully. "And you know what? I'm beginning to doubt if you care for him anymore too."

More rustling of papers. Suddenly they seemed very loud. Tatsumi didn't look up from his work. Watari took a deep breath then continued.

"He still has nightmares, you know that? The same ones, over and over again. It's not so bad now, but Hisoka-kun's been driving himself to exhaustion looking after him every night. Same with me. But we don't mind, because the nightmares aren't as bad when someone stays with him. Hisoka-kun's better than me, but it's still not good enough, cause we're both about to fall on our faces and we can't do that cause Tsuzuki might have another fit. If we had a third person to help things would be much easier, but we don't, do we, _Tatsumi_." The secretary had been shuffling that same sheaf of paper for the last five minutes, and Watari clenched his fists in frustration. "We're not even talking about work or duty; just friends helping each other look after another friend. I know better than to expect anything charitable out of you, but jeez, Tatsumi, don't you even _care?!_"

Watari was half-shouting now, but didn't give a damn as a week's worth of irritation, no sleep and burning anger came spilling out. Still Tatsumi kept organising documents. "Don't you care that Hisoka-kun and I are probably going to end up in those hospital beds at the rate we're going?! Don't you care that your ex-partner can't get a decent night's rest because none of us – including you – could protect him from a sadistic sexual predator of a doctor?!"

There was the sound of paper being crushed. Watari caught his breath, forcing himself to calm down. Tatsumi's hands were clenched so tight his skin was white. But still he kept his silence. It only made Watari more incensed. Tsuzuki had been through enough already, if Tatsumi was going to hurt him further with this _stupid_ attitude of his . . .

"You were willing to let Tsuzuki die in Kyoto," continued Watari. His voice was cold, contemptuous, perfectly expressing the disgust he still harboured over the issue. "Tsuzuki's probably the only person in Meifu whom you care about past the point of just being useful. I'd hate to think what you'd do if it were me or Terazuma in Tsuzuki's place."

No answer. The scientist had to consciously force himself not to go over to the man and whack him over the head. 

"He asked about you last night. Hisoka-kun and I had to wake him up cause he was having another nightmare. After he calmed down he looked at us and asked why Tatsumi wasn't there. Hisoka-kun had to tell him that you had work to do. The same excuse that we've been giving for the past week. He didn't buy it. Even you don't work at four in the morning."

Again, no answer.

"You don't care, do you. You're a cold-hearted bastard who goes and locks himself up in his office cause he doesn't feel like dealing with people. Or is it because you're scared of something? If that's the case, then you're a god-damned coward, and that's one of the last things I'd thought I'd be calling Tatsumi Seiichiro."

Still no answer.

"Aren't you going to say anything?! Or are you just going to hide in here with your accounts and rot?"

Silence. Then, just as Watari was about to open his mouth to speak again, Tatsumi raised his head. Watari couldn't see his face behind the glint of light on glasses, but he felt a cold shiver run down his spine and wished that he were anywhere but here in Tatsumi's targeting range.

"Are you quite finished?"

Tatsumi spoke the words so softly Watari almost missed the dark, dangerous threat beneath them. He gulped, wondering if he had pushed the shadow-master too far. On the other hand, Tatsumi getting worked up over this was also a good sign. Watari was so sure that Tatsumi was merely denying something he knew not what and given a little prodding, could be forced into doing something about it. 

He waited patiently for Tatsumi to say something, anything.

Nothing.

Tatsumi stood with his back perfectly straight behind his desk with his papers, as still as a statue and just as cold, looking at Watari as if all of this were nothing but a waste of his time. The scientist's hands clenched into fists as he knew that he had lost. And still Tatsumi just stood there.

Finally, Watari threw his hands into the air in disgust.

"I give up." Exasperated beyond words, he turned and headed for the door. "I don't know why I bothered. It's not my problem you're being an idiot, except for the fact that you're hurting Tsuzuki with this stubborn attitude of yours." Turning the handle, Watari shot one more contemptuous barb over his shoulder before leaving.

"I gave you more credit as a man than this, Tatsumi. Looks like I was wrong."

And he shut the door behind him.

It was a pity the door didn't have a window in it. Even if there had been, Watari was too angry to be bothered looking back. Otherwise, he might have seen that as soon as he was alone, Tatsumi slumped into his chair and hid his face in his hands with a long, shuddering sigh.

Behold, the Void @ http://doki3.net/void/


	3. Part Three

Closed Doors **  
By Leareth**

Part Three  
"Uh oh."

"What?"

Watari grumbled something under his breath as he took stock of the plates, cups, cutlery and drinks. "I forgot the cake."

Hisoka rolled his eyes while Tsuzuki looked panicked. "You _can't_ have forgotten the cake!"

Watari hastily waved his hands around for calm. "It's ok, it's ok! I probably just left it in the lab." Quickly he got up and ran for the door. "Gimme a sec; I'll be back!"

Hisoka sighed as the blond scientist disappeared. He turned to Tsuzuki, who sat in bed with drooping puppy ears and a pained expression, and sighed again. "Do you really think you should be having cake while you're still in hospital?"

Tsuzuki turned to him with an innocent grin and a happy puppy-tail. "Of course! Cake is the best medicine in the world!" Hisoka Looked at him and Tsuzuki's grin slipped a little. "Ok, ok, so maybe not – but it's good anyway!"

The green eyes rolled in strained patience. Then they looked Tsuzuki up and down. "You ok?" Hisoka asked quietly.

Tsuzuki glanced at him confused for a second, then smiled a little. "Yeah. I'm ok."

Hisoka had the feeling this wasn't quite the entire truth. "You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. We shinigami heal fast, remember?" Tsuzuki's eyes, Hisoka noticed, were looking at the bed. _Shinigami heal fast physically, it's _emotionally _I'm worried about, Tsuzuki. And I can tell you're pretending._

As if sensing his partner's train of thought, Tsuzuki spoke again. "I'm ok, really, Hisoka. It's past, it's over, I can forget . . ." Hisoka didn't know if Tsuzuki was trying to reassure his partner or himself. "And besides," he added hastily, giving the boy-shinigami a shining smile. "I've got you to look after me, right?"

Embarrassed, Hisoka looked away. "Only idiots ask stupid questions like that."

Tsuzuki was used to his partner's temperament by now. "Thank you, Hisoka," he said gratefully.

Watari chose this moment to return with the cake. "Aaaaaaand as I successfully predicted, this sweet concoction of the finest ingredients mankind can buy decorated with rich chocolate, thick cream and the juiciest strawberries from the Earl's own garden, was exactly where I left it!" he announced, triumphantly placing the said piece on the makeshift table and striking a pose. "I am such a genius!"

Hisoka rolled his eyes as his partner cheered and got up to get the cake knife.

It was Tsuzuki's last night in the hospital and as so he, Watari and Hisoka were having a little celebratory party. Watari brought the cake and drinks (he had wanted to bring sake, but as Hisoka's body was only sixteen and Tsuzuki was still technically a hospital patient, he had to settle for a non-alcoholic wine instead), while Hisoka brought the plates and cutlery. After eating, Watari and Hisoka entertained Tsuzuki with various reports of the daily happenings in the JuOhCho. It was more Watari doing the telling than Hisoka; the boy-shinigami wasn't one for speaking much, so instead he just listened to the scientist rattle on, interrupting now and again to make some dry comment of his own. The overall effect was something like that of a rusty car continuously stopping and starting, and it was just as amusing as the stories themselves.

"So, like, the Gushoushin are advancing on Terazuma squawking at him about his overdue books, and Terazuma's backing away not looking where he's going," said Watari. His eyes twinkled behind the glasses. "What he doesn't realise is that Hisoka-kun's behind him, so before we know it, he's bumped into Hisoka-kun and we have a raging black lion on the loose again." The scientist paused in his anecdote as Tsuzuki lay back in the pillows and laughed. On the other side of the bed, Hisoka sat with his arms folded not amused at all. "It was hilarious, I tell you! We've got the Gushoushin flying everywhere trying to find somewhere to hide, Hisoka-kun gaping like a fish off to one side–"

"I was _not_ gaping," stated Hisoka. "I just stood there and blinked."

"–_blinking _off to one side, Saya and Yuma giggling their heads off until Terazuma gets too close in which case they start screaming, while I'm rushing off to find Wakaba-chan before anything gets smashed." Watari grinned as Tsuzuki tried to picture the mental image in his head. "Luckily she was just in the next room and she slapped the spell on Terazuma real quick, so all we had to do was clean everything up as quickly as possible before Tatsumi came to see what was going on and sue us all for damages."

Tsuzuki laughed again, and Watari and Hisoka could almost see the figures of their colleagues walking across their friend's mind and smile as he imagined the story for himself. But then the smile fell and disappeared, and the two of them knew that one person had walked onto the ground of Tsuzuki's thoughts, bringing with him confusion and unhappiness. There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments; Watari and Hisoka were reluctant to speak on the issue, not knowing what exactly to say. They had, of course, invited Tatsumi to the party. Tatsumi wasn't here.

Tsuzuki looked at one, then the other of his friends. "So I take it Tatsumi was pretty mad," he said quietly. "How's he doing?"

Hisoka and Watari exchanged a glance. One of them was angry. The other was uncertain. "Uh, he's ok, I think," Hisoka said finally. "He stays in his office practically all day so . . ."

"He's being an idiot," said Watari disgustedly. "A total, complete idiot."

Tsuzuki blinked. "What do you mean? Is he okay?"

Watari shrugged. "I won't be surprised if he gives himself an ulcer overworking, but yeah, he's okay. He's so okay he's been snapping at everyone lately and being the secretary from hell. Not that he wasn't mean and scary before but over the past week it's gotten to the stage where the moment we see him coming, we all find excuses to be somewhere else."

Tsuzuki blinked again. "Why is Tatsumi being extra-mean and scary?"

Watari and Hisoka looked at each other. "You're the empath, kid," said the scientist with a shrug.

Hisoka shook his head. "I can you tell _what_ emotions Tatsumi-san's feeling, I can't tell you _why_ he's feeling that way. Why don't you tell us? You've known him for longer."

Watari laughed. "I've known the control-freak long enough to know that if he doesn't want to tell you something, he won't. Plus he's fantastic at hiding things from other people and has a stubborn streak as wide as JuOhCho."

"But don't you have _some_ idea?" asked Tsuzuki plaintively.

Hisoka looked thoughtful. "Tatsumi-san is –" here he caught himself, about to say 'afraid' but then deciding it wouldn't do to tell Tsuzuki that, "– is worried about something. He doesn't want to think about it so he's been trying to distract himself at work."

"What, worried that the department accounts aren't going to balance this year?" asked Watari cynically. "Tsuzuki here did blow up the place again – oops, sorry," he said quickly, seeing Tsuzuki's pained expression.

Hisoka shook his head. "No, it's not that. It's something more personal. Don't ask me what," he said quickly, seeing the others' expressions. "I shouldn't be saying stuff about other people's emotions, and anyway, I can't do it anymore cause Tatsumi-san caught me at it."

Tsuzuki didn't look away from his partner. "Can you tell us anything so we can help him? Maybe we can talk to him or something."

"Talk to him?" Watari laughed. "Already tried that. He turned the icy death-glare on me and smashed my hand in the door."

"And _I'm _not going to talk to him," said Hisoka firmly. "You think it's bad getting caught talking behind someone's back? It's even worse getting caught looking in on people's emotions."

"But he's nice to you," Tsuzuki objected.

"Well, I don't feel comfortable about it."

The room fell silent for a few minutes. Then Watari looked at Tsuzuki. "You go talk to him."

Tsuzuki's eyes bulged out. "Me?!" he squeaked.

"Yes, you. You get out of hospital tomorrow, right? Go talk to him then. Bang on his door if you need to."

"But, but –" Tsuzuki looked at Hisoka for support, but his partner merely folded his arms raised one eyebrow at him. Tsuzuki drooped. "Hisokaaaaaaa …"

The boy-shinigami remained unmoved. "You're his old partner." Over Tsuzuki's head he glanced at Watari, both of them sharing the same thought; If Tsuzuki was what was wrong with Tatsumi, then Tsuzuki may as well be able to fix it. "You've got the best chance out of all of us talking some sense into him."

Tsuzuki laughed shortly. "He hasn't come to visit the whole week; I doubt he wants to talk to me." His voice was light as he said this, but Hisoka and Watari both noted that he refused to look at them. "But alright, I'll go talk to him. Not at work though, he hates that."

"So you'll go over to his apartment, then?" asked Hisoka.

Tsuzuki shrugged. "Suppose so. I need a walk anyway. Been lying here for too long."

"Well, tomorrow we're kicking you out," said Watari. He glanced at his watch. "I'll go get some sleep. Hisoka-kun, you're staying, right?" The boy-shinigami nodded. "Right, I'll come back at around three a.m. to take over."

Tsuzuki looked to each of his friends. "You two look so tired," he said softly.

Watari's good-natured face darkened. "Don't you start with the guilt trip again," he warned. "Otherwise I'm going to have to bash some sense into you."

Tsuzuki waved his hands trying to placate his friend. "No need for that, Watari! It's just . . ." he trailed off, looking down at his blankets, " . . . you guys shouldn't need to do this."

"Idiot."

Tsuzuki looked up, startled, at Hisoka.

"Idiot," the boy-shinigami repeated. He had his arms folded and had his eyes carefully averted to the wall. "We _want_ to do this. No way we're losing you again."

"And don't you start blaming yourself either," said Watari. "It's not your fault. The person to blame is a freak of a doctor who deserves to be shot. Either that or we'll just loose Tatsumi on him." He laughed. "I don't think anyone would last long against that."

Tsuzuki smiled a little.

"Will you be okay after tomorrow?" asked Hisoka quietly.

The amethyst-eyed shinigami nodded, still smiling but not looking at them. Watari gritted his teeth, seeing straight through the smile but not willing to call his friend on it. _Damnit, Tatsumi, Tsuzuki needs _all of us_ at the moment and what are you doing, tallying spending costs again? Jeez._

Hisoka stood up, cleaning up the party things and putting them in a box. "It's getting late and we still have work tomorrow." He handed the box to Watari then sat in the chair beside the bed again. Tsuzuki watched them a little apprehensively. "Get some sleep. Don't worry, we're still here."

" . . . Yeah."

He did try to sleep, he really did try. But before many hours had passed, Tsuzuki was tossing and turning and Hisoka had to shake him awake. Tsuzuki clung to him for most of the night with wide, frightened eyes, wondering if he'd ever be able to sleep peacefully again.

Behold, the Void


	4. Part Four

Closed Doors **  
By Leareth**

Part Four  
Tsuzuki stared at the door. It was built from a dark wood that swallowed his reflection in the varnish. There was an elegant handle set into it with a very obvious lock, giving no indication whether the person who lived in the apartment was home or not. Definitely imposing and not open for approach.

Tsuzuki's stare turned into a glare. Then he took a deep breath and knocked sharply on the door. There was no answer. Tsuzuki frowned and knocked again. Still no answer.

"Uh . . . Tatsumi?"

The door and the apartment behind it gave no response. Tsuzuki rolled his eyes.

"Tatsumi, I know you're in there. You're the only person I know who never goes out for dinner."

Again, no answer. The determined expression on Tsuzuki's face faded as doubt began to take over. Maybe Tatsumi wasn't home. He turned, disappointed, to leave.

"Yes?"

Tsuzuki stopped in his half-circle and turned back. The apartment door still stood there, but now it had a voice. "Tatsumi?" The shinigami tried the door-handle, which refused to give. "Hey, Tatsumi, it's me, Tsuzuki. Can I come in?"

There was a slight pause from the door, then a very curt, "No."

Tsuzuki pouted. "Aw, c'mon. Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

Tsuzuki gave up on cute and glared at the door again. "Look, I just got out of the hospital, the least you can do is let me say hello."

"Alright. Hello. Goodbye."

Tsuzuki's eyes darkened. "I want to say it to _you_, not your door."

"I'm busy."

"Doing what? Counting coins?" Tsuzuki gave an exasperated sigh. "Open the door and let me in or I'll get Byakko to open it."

"Do that and you'll be working off repair costs for the next two centuries."

The threat made Tsuzuki cringe a little but he quickly drew himself up again. "Look, Tatsumi, you've been scaring everyone more than usual for the past week. I just want to see if you're ok, alright?"

"I'm perfectly fine," the door answered.

"No, you're not. Let me in."

"_No_." The word was sharp, like the lash of a whip. Then there was a pause, as if the speaker was trying to pull back. "Go away, Tsuzuki-san."

Tsuzuki's face fell. He glared at the door. Then he sniffled. No response. Tsuzuki sniffled again, louder and more pitifully. He blinked large mournful eyes, probably a useless action since there was no way it could be seen through the door but it was worth a try anyway, and put a tremble into his voice. It was easier than he expected.

"T-Tatsumi . . . it's cold out here and . . . and . . ." – he inserted a few more tearful sniffles for good measure – ". . . and my apartment's dark and scary and I'm hungry and you're being mean so I'm going to cry and–"

Suddenly the door opened. Tatsumi stood in the doorway. If he had been planning to say anything, it was lost as his eyes roved over Tsuzuki's perfectly straight and serious face. 

"I thought you said you were crying," Tatsumi said finally.

Tsuzuki looked at him without flinching. "I thought you said you were busy."

Silence. Tatsumi didn't move. Tsuzuki sighed patiently. "Can I come in?"

For a moment he was afraid that Tatsumi would shut the door in his face. After a minute of thought the secretary wordlessly moved aside to let Tsuzuki through. Then he closed the door. As Tsuzuki took off his shoes and coat Tatsumi walked away abandoning him in the hall. Tsuzuki frowned, then followed. "You weren't having dinner or anything, were you?" he asked, partly uncomfortable for barging in, partly to fill the uneasy quiet that seemed to fill the apartment.

"No. I've finished." This from the next room. Tsuzuki went there. It was dim, save for what light fell from the kitchen. After the relative brightness of the hall Tsuzuki had to pause for his eyes to adjust. Tatsumi's tall figure stood silhouetted against the wide window. He was looking outside. Something in that posture made Tsuzuki stop, uneasy. 

"Oh. Uh . . ." He trailed off, then asked lamely, "So I'm not disturbing you?"

"No."

So distant. This wasn't like Tatsumi at all. Even when Tatsumi was cold – and he had been, many times – he never ignored Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki tried again. "Watari says you've been really busy," he said, trying to keep his voice casual. "I mean, I assume you've been really busy, cause I've hardly seen you lately, and I know you like keeping busy and what with me uh, burning down the place that time probably doesn't help the department budget any and . . ." The words were falling over each other to get out and fill the silence, and Tsuzuki caught himself. "I'm babbling, aren't I."

"Yes, you are."

Tsuzuki folded his arms and glared. "Well, it could help if you'd make some conversation instead of speaking in mono-syllables."

There was a sigh from the figure at the window. "Tsuzuki-san, I'm not in the mood for this. Go home."

"After all that trouble to get you to open the door, I don't think so." Suddenly sick of the shadows Tsuzuki turned on a standing lamp. Tatsumi flinched. "What are you doing at home in the dark anyway?" Tsuzuki asked, taking a step further into the room. "It's way too early to go to sleep."

Tatsumi resumed staring out the window. "I thought it was appropriate."

"Appropriate?" Tsuzuki frowned. "What for?"

The tall shinigami shrugged. "Myself."

Tsuzuki blinked, unsure of what to say to this. "Uh, Tatsumi . . ." he said hesitantly, "are you alright?"

Tatsumi turned slightly to look over his shoulder. "Are you worried about me, Tsuzuki-san?"

"Well, yeah." Tsuzuki shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. "You haven't exactly been yourself lately." He looked pointedly at Tatsumi's back. "And you didn't visit me while I was in hospital either."

"I was busy."

"You were not busy." Tsuzuki's voice was bitter. "I asked Kacho. He told me that was no way there was so much work that you'd have to be busy twenty-four hours a day. And I know you always take walks in the sakura grove outside. Don't try and tell me that you were too busy to see me, cause I know you weren't. Not for a whole week and more." His voice was rising; Tsuzuki made himself calm down. "Why, Tatsumi?" he asked softly. "Why didn't you want to see me?"

Silence. Tsuzuki stared at the other shinigami, willing him to turn around. _Damn it, Tatsumi, why won't you look at me?_

Tatsumi didn't move. Suddenly he turned around and said, "You know that I would never hurt you, don't you, Tsuzuki-san?"

Tsuzuki blinked. He opened his mouth to say something along the lines of never getting a salary bonus but realised this wasn't the time for banter. "Yes. I know." Suddenly he smiled. "I trust you."

Seeing his smile Tatsumi looked away. "I'm not sure if I trust myself . . ." he said softly.

". . . Tatsumi?" Worried, Tsuzuki began to take a step towards him –

"Don't come any closer!"

Startled by the sharpness of Tatsumi's voice, Tsuzuki obeyed. The other shinigami stared at him for a moment with an expression he couldn't name, but it frightened him a little. Seeing fear flickering in Tsuzuki's face Tatsumi took a deep breath. "You can't help me, Tsuzuki-san. Please, just go."

Tsuzuki stared at him. "If you want me to go, then why did you let me in?"

"I shouldn't have." Tatsumi sighed and looked out the window again. "Just leave, Tsuzuki-san," he said quietly. His voice was strained, almost pleading. "I don't want to hurt you."

"As you haven't already." Tsuzuki gave a short laugh. "First you avoid me for a week, then you refuse to help Watari and Hisoka look after me. You don't come to our little party at the hospital and now you're telling me to get the hell out of here. How can you possibly hurt me anymore?"

Tatsumi didn't look at him. "The way Muraki hurt you."

Tsuzuki froze. Perhaps sensing this, Tatsumi turned around. There was a bitter, almost self-mocking smile on his face. "You see?" he said softly. "You see why I avoided you. Why I avoided any chance of being alone with you. I don't ever want to cause you pain, but if I stay with you . . ." He trailed off, avoiding Tsuzuki's eyes again. " . . . I don't know what will happen."

Somehow Tsuzuki managed to get his tongue to work. "Do you–" His mouth was dry, so he tried again, "do you really see me that way?" he whispered.

Tatsumi didn't look at him. "Watari-san told me you were still having nightmares," he said detachedly. "They're about him, right? You dream about Muraki."

Tsuzuki could only nod numbly in response. Tatsumi closed his eyes and bowed his head. "It was painful, you know, to stay away. I didn't trust myself to see you even though I wanted to, even though I was making you unhappy." There was a shuddering sigh then Tatsumi forced himself to continue. "But I told myself that it was better. Better even for you to hate me, rather than be hurt by me." He looked at Tsuzuki then, his smile sad and almost hopeless. "I don't want to be your nightmare, Tsuzuki-san."

Something wasn't right; Tsuzuki glanced down at his hands to find them shaking as the tried-forgotten shades of his nightmares began to creep up on him despite the lamplight. Hands, white hands, touching, playing – _please no, please no_, he begged silently. They didn't listen, and there was no Watari or Hisoka to wake him up. The only one present who could help him was the man standing stiffly by the window, and if he came over to hold him then the dreams wouldn't be dreams anymore –

Tsuzuki shook his head. He looked at Tatsumi. The tall figure dressed in warm brown was still the same. He thought back all the times they had together. Lunches. Work. Walks in the sakura grove. Getting yelled at for wrecking the library or chided for bad table manners. Coming to his rescue on numerous occasions. Comforting him. Simply being there to talk to.

He couldn't believe that Tatsumi would ever hurt him.

Tatsumi sighed, bowing his head. "You should . . . you should go," he said wearily. "Just leave me alone, Tsuzuki-san –"

"No."

Startled, Tatsumi jerked around to face him. Tsuzuki smiled a little. "No. I'm not going."

Tatsumi stared. "Tsuzuki-san –"

"I'm not going," Tsuzuki repeated, more firmly. He took a step towards Tatsumi. "And you can't make me." Another step. Tatsumi actually backed away – if it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation Tsuzuki would have found it funny. "I'm not leaving you alone."

He kept walking towards the other shinigami, slowly, as if he were trying to approach a wild animal. Tatsumi kept retreating until he backed into the window, which meant he couldn't retreat any further. Then he watched Tsuzuki approach him without speaking, though his fingers gripped the window-sill so tightly his knuckles were white. Finally, when he was barely a foot away from the other man Tsuzuki stopped and looked at Tatsumi, studying him.

Tatsumi met his gaze, eyes unreadable. Such blue eyes the man had.

"I know you, Tatsumi," said Tsuzuki softly. "You wouldn't hurt me. You'd never do anything to me I didn't want you to." Before the other man could say anything Tsuzuki reached out and took his hand. He lifted it and pressed the palm against his cheek, smiling as Tatsumi's eyes widened. "I trust you."

Tatsumi stared at him almost fearfully. "Tsuzuki-san –" he began, trying to pull his hand back. Still grasping his wrist Tsuzuki let himself be pulled forward, closing the last gap between them in a rush, and curled up against the other man with his cheek lying against Tatsumi's chest.

Tatsumi froze.

"See?" Tsuzuki murmured. "I trust you." It felt nice to be close like this, but Tatsumi was so tense . . . Tsuzuki gripped a handful of the brown suit-jacket in a mute plea not to be pushed away. "I have faith in you, Tatsumi, and I don't like seeing you like this. It makes me sad."

No response. Tsuzuki could have been touching a statue. He squeezed his eyes shut; he wasn't crying – not yet, anyway. "And would you _please_ stop trying to pretend you don't care? I know damn well that you do so you can't deny it. Please, Tatsumi."

Silence. Tsuzuki waited, hardly daring to breathe as he listened to the heartbeat beneath his ear.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime of anxiety, Tsuzuki felt a pair of arms almost hesitantly come up to hold him. He sighed, a trembling sigh that was as much relief as gladness, and felt some of the tension drain away. For the first time in a very long time he felt safe and comfortable; he nestled closer, marvelling at his own daring, and felt Tatsumi tighten his embrace.

It was pleasant.

The arms around him shifted, one hand coming up to rest on the back of his neck. Tsuzuki let his eyes close again, absently fingering Tatsumi's coat lapel admiring its perfection. He sensed Tatsumi shift a little, and breath stirred his dark hair as if he were being asked something. Questioningly, Tsuzuki lifted his head to look at his friend –

– felt Tatsumi's lips brush against his –

– and froze in shock.

Abruptly, Tatsumi pulled away. "I'm sorry." Before Tsuzuki realised what was going on Tatsumi let him go and stepped back, avoiding his gaze. Tsuzuki stared after him with wide eyes, and raised trembling fingers to his lips. "I'm sorry," Tatsumi whispered hoarsely. "That was . . . unforgivable of me." He took a deep breath, visibly collecting himself, before saying, "You shouldn't be here, Tsuzuki-san, go home and get some sleep, go home–"

"No!" Somehow Tsuzuki managed to shake himself into action again, this time, however, it was almost desperate. "No. Please, Tatsumi, don't send me away, I don't want to be alone by myself at night, not yet, not while the nightmares keep coming in the dark and haunting me in my sleep." He was babbling again, but he didn't care and he didn't stop himself. "Watari and Hisoka have done so much for me already and I don't want to ask anymore of them but even so they're not you, Tatsumi, please, you can't send me away, and I don't want you to be alone hurting yourself unable to trust yourself anymore and–" Sometime during all of this Tatsumi had turned to face him again and Tsuzuki broke off.

"Tsuzuki-san," said Tatsumi slowly, "what you're asking is whether you can stay here tonight."

Tsuzuki did his best to meet Tatsumi's eyes without flinching or crying. Tatsumi hated to see him cry.

"Do you really trust me that much?" asked Tatsumi quietly.

Tsuzuki nodded. For a long moment Tatsumi stared at him with those blue eyes of his, searching perhaps for some argument or protest.

They never came.

Tsuzuki blinked as Tatsumi abruptly went into another room, turning on a light and coming out a minute later with a spare pillow and blanket.

"T-Tatsumi?"

Tatsumi laid the blanket and pillow on the sofa. "Take the bed. I'll be out here if you need anything."

Tsuzuki stared at him, then smiled gratefully.

"Thank you."

Tatsumi didn't smile back.

Behold, the Void @ http://doki3.net/void/


	5. Part Five

Closed Doors **  
By Leareth**

Part Five  
Tatsumi couldn't sleep. It probably had something to do with the fact that a loosened button-shirt and slacks weren't appropriate sleepwear and he was too tall to lay comfortably on the sofa, but he had learnt to live with discomfort a long, long time ago. He stared up at the ceiling; the shadows were moving too slowly for his liking. If he strained his ears, he could catch the sound of hushed breathing from his bedroom. He sternly told himself not to.

It had been a difficult evening, most difficult. He hadn't expected Tsuzuki to visit in the middle of his little sojourn into self-doubt – he really shouldn't have let him in, but then again, he shouldn't make Tsuzuki unhappy either. Neither should he have let him stay, but on the other hand, he shouldn't be a bad host.

Tatsumi took in a deep breath, then let it out. There were a lot of things he shouldn't have done today. He shouldn't have let himself be drawn into conversation with Tsuzuki. He shouldn't have let Tsuzuki come near him. He shouldn't have let Tsuzuki touch him, shouldn't have put his arms around him, shouldn't have turned his face into Tsuzuki's hair to feel how soft it was and end up tasting his lips instead. And he really, really shouldn't have let Tsuzuki stay the night. Tatsumi had done it all anyway.

__

"You want him too, don't you."

Tatsumi closed his eyes as if he could shut the memory away. Damn Muraki. Damn the man to hell for doing this to him. Everything had been so straightforward until Muraki had planted things in his head, things that over the week had sprouted and spread like choking weeds in the orderly garden of his mind.

Ah, but was it _planted_ there, or _woke_? 

__

"I am merely pointing out to you what you do not yet realise or acknowledge."

Perhaps he had always had some ulterior motive behind all those little touches he never could resist. Cleaning Tsuzuki's face with his own fingers, for example – there wasn't any real call for it, was there. He didn't have to. All that was required was ordering Tsuzuki to get a towel. Yet he insisted on doing it himself. After all, Tsuzuki had such a pretty face ...

A hiss of annoyance; Tatsumi turned over to face the sofa's backrest. So Tsuzuki was attractive, so what? He had known that for over half a century and it had never bothered him before. It was something he had come to take for granted, another characteristic that made up Tsuzuki Asato like his weakness for sweets and eagerness to please. Now it stood out as blatant as a rose amongst daisies. With that in mind, Tatsumi supposed he could see why Muraki had done what he had done.

__

"We're more alike than you'd like to admit, you know."

Tatsumi shuddered. If he could understand, then he could do the same. The way he was looking at Tsuzuki now it was entirely possible.

And yet ...

Tatsumi stared at the upholstery without seeing it. And yet even knowing all of this, what Tatsumi thought of him, Tsuzuki still trusted him utterly. Tatsumi wasn't sure why. Was Tsuzuki just being foolishly naïve or did he truly know something Tatsumi didn't? Knowing the answer would certainly help him sleep easier. He pulled the covers tightly about himself, found a less-uncomfortable spot on the sofa –

Something was wrong.

Tatsumi sat up. It didn't take long to realise what had disturbed him. He may not have been as sensitive as Hisoka, but his reikan ability was more than enough to sense the fear and hurt pulsating from his bedroom.

Tsuzuki was having another nightmare.

Quietly, before he realised what he was doing Tatsumi rose from the sofa and slipped into the bedroom. He flicked on the bedside table lamp and his breath caught. Looking very small against he king-sized mattress, Tsuzuki lay curled in a tangle of sheets, his face buried in the pillow. Even as Tatsumi watched, he whimpered in half-realised pain or fear as he tried to hide from whatever specter his nightmares had conjured up, a heart-breaking contrast to the determined young man who had badgered his way into Tatsumi's home.

"Tsuzuki-san?" Forgetting any of his earlier trepidation, Tatsumi reached out to shake him. "Tsuzuki-san! Wake up!"

He grabbed the young man's shoulder; at his touch Tsuzuki jerked away and lashed out wildly, landing a glancing blow on Tatsumi's cheek. Tatsumi ignored the sting as Tsuzuki unconsciously cowered away from him at the edge of the bed. If he went any further he would fall off. Quickly, before the terrified shinigami could react Tatsumi grabbed his wrist and pulled him backwards into his arms on the bed. He held firm as Tsuzuki sobbed and struggled against him like a wild bird that couldn't get free. Did he think Tatsumi was someone else? Someone else trying to hurt him?

"Shh, it's alright, it's alright," murmured Tatsumi, holding him tightly. Tsuzuki was so tense; Tatsumi almost feared he would shatter at his touch. "It's alright ..."

A hand grabbed desperately onto his shirt-front and refused to let go.

" ... it's just me, Tsuzuki-san. Wake up."

Tsuzuki's eyes flew open. They were lovely, damp and wild. Pulling away he stared fearfully at Tatsumi. Then recognition dawned and with a small cry, Tsuzuki threw his arms around his friend and sobbed in relief. Carefully, Tatsumi leaned back against the headboard, cradling Tsuzuki against him, still murmuring comfortingly and feeling tears soaking into his shirt.

" ... it's alright, everything will be alright now ..."

Slowly, the crying lessened. Tatsumi let his words stop and fell silent, simply holding onto the younger man as he waited for him to cry himself out. How fragile Tsuzuki was, he thought distantly, despite being the most powerful of them. Strange, too, how those disturbing thoughts dissolved away like mist. The attraction was still there, what with having Tsuzuki pressed against him so closely, but it was irrelevant in the face of the immediate need: comfort. There was simply this person who trusted him, who needed him, and for now that was enough.

As for what tomorrow would bring between them, well, he'd wait and see.

Finally, Tsuzuki calmed down. He lay with his head tucked under Tatsumi's chin in absolute trust as the other man stroked his dark hair.

"Better?" asked Tatsumi quietly. Tsuzuki nodded against him, exhausted, and Tatsumi gave a low chuckle. "Silly puppy. You know you're not supposed to worry me like that."

He felt Tsuzuki smile a little. "I'm sorry I woke you," he said softly.

"There's no need to feel sorry for anything." Tatsumi kept his voice gentle.

"But you're tired."

"I wasn't asleep."

"How come?"

"My sofa's too small."

"... I'm sorry."

"What did I say about you feeling sorry?"

"I-I'm sor–"

An amused almost-laugh. "Just go to sleep, Tsuzuki-san."

The hand clutching Tatsumi's shirt tightened. "Will you stay?"

Tatsumi opened his mouth, the instinctive evasion on his lips, then stopped. He looked down at Tsuzuki's dark hair, all he could see of the other shinigami at this angle. Tsuzuki was very still, almost breathless. As if already expecting Tatsumi's answer and bracing himself against it.

__

"... I understand. It's ok. Really."

... Liar.

Tatsumi closed his eyes against the memory, tightening his embrace. It was pleasant.

"Yes."

A smile. Tsuzuki relaxed and snuggled a little closer, already drifting off into peaceful slumber. Tatsumi listened as the heartbeat beside his steadied, still stroking Tsuzuki's hair. He wondered what he had been so afraid of.

Nothing.

Tatsumi smiled wryly at himself. Then he willed the shadows to switch off the light. It was late, and he was falling asleep. Besides, he had to make Tsuzuki breakfast in the morning.

~finis~

Behold, The Void @ http://doki3.net/void/ 


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